Lies Our Mums Told Us

What fibs did your mum tell you? Or, what do you tell YOUR kids?

Sh*t My Dad Says might be a New York Times bestseller, but with Mother’s Day looming, no doubt the mum in your life is putting the hard word on you about how much you owe her. So, let’s have a moment’s meditation on Sh*t My Mum Says.

But it’s not just my mum. Apparently, it’s all mums.

We saw a prime example of this over dinner, just the other night. In the space of 20-minutes, I watched an old friend drop the following on her three-year-old son without batting an eyelid:

“Vegetables give you super powers, just like Spider Man.”

“If you don’t brush your teeth, they will all fall out.”

“Oh no, you won’t like that, it’s spicy.”

She rolled the latter out twice: first for her glass of wine, the second time for our panna cotta.

“I didn’t tell you any lies that I remember,” Mum told me when she asked me what I was working on. (It’s actually rare for her to ask a question that isn’t ‘When are you going to get your act together and give me a grandchild?’ or ‘Why can’t you be more like your sister?’) “And if I did lie,” she added, “I’m not going to admit to them.”

But she did. Lie, that is.

She told me it’s illegal to move the air vents in the car, and that crying too much would make my head fall off (same-same with laughing too much). She told me crusts would make my hair grow curly (they didn’t) and carrots would help me see in the dark (another no). That you only need to shave up to your knees. That she had eyes in the back of her head (this one might not have been a lie).

She might have just celebrated her 71st birthday, but that hasn’t slowed her tall tales..

“Oh no, you won’t like this wine.”

“If you don't use this moisturiser, your skin will turn to sandpaper.”

So, we put it to the team – what lies did your mum tell you? Here’s a few that people had in common…

Mamma Mia! thanks to Universal

“Oh, you can’t use that. It’s broken.”
This went for just about anything she didn’t want us to get our mits on. Including herself.

“Watching too much TV would make your eyes go square.”
Mum. There are nine seasons of Scrubs available RN on Stan and my eyes are still eye-shaped. Just saying.

“Let’s go for an adventure.”
This was her excuse to get us to go wherever she needed us to go. The grocery store. The dentist. Anywhere they served a cappuccino, extra froth.

And, of course, “I would never lie to you”.

Don’t get us wrong: this is not a criticism. Rather, it’s an appreciation.

Appreciated most recently when I found myself telling my almost-two-year-old nephew that the slide at the park is “broken” because I can’t watch him go down it for the 42nd time that afternoon.

Turns out, Mum did know best.

Some gifts to show her just how much you appreciate her…